I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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