I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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