How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
