I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
