A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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