he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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