oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
