Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
