The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
