i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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