so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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