I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
