Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
