Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
