I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize