GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
