My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
