If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
