Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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