wrigley field is MILF paradise
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Randomize
