I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I queefed so loud it echoed.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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