Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize