I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
