Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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