Quick, to the slutcave!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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