does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
