Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
