I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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