so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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