in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
