the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
