I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
