"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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