What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
