I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
