Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
