Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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