If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
