I met the friendliest cop last night
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
