I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
