Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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