In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
