Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
3 2 1 whiskey
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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