Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
