I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
