he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
