I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
