I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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