i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
