between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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