Need sex. Gaining weight.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize