I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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