I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize