OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
