Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
