Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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