Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize