Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
