i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
