Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
