nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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