you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My breasts were aching with rage.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
