his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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