i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize