I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
