No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
