Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
