I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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