Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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