I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My legs feel like baby dolphins
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize