my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
