literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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