dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
