he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize