We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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