3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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