Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
