My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize