I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
