we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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