Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
