Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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