The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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